Cat User's Manual

A CAT Unit CAT v.6.1b: Completely Autonomous Tester, Manufactured by MOMCAT
User Installation and Maintenance Documentation.


User Friendly
Low Power CPU
Self Portable Operation
Dual Video and Audio Input
Audio Output
Auto Search Capability for Input Data
Auto Search for Output Bin
Auto Learn Program in ROM
Instant Transition (Energy Saving Standby Mode When Not In Use)
Wide Operating Temperature Range
Mouse Driven
Self Cleaning

Production Details

After basic KIT construction, the unit undergoes six weeks of onsite ROM programming and burn-in testing. Listed features are installed during this period. Since MOMCAT uses local suppliers, there may be a variation between individual units. Some of the units may not meet general standards. MOMCAT's quality assurance may reject inferior units. Users may sometimes salvage rejected units. Beware of Far East clones. These may violate import restrictions.


A suitable transportation case should be used for transportation to the operating site. Failure to properly ship a CAT unit may result in loss or damage to the unit and serious injury to the user.

Installation Procedures

Upon receiving the CAT unit, the user should examine the unit to verify that all I/O channels are free of debris and operational. The user should look for minor bugs in or on the system. Bugs are indicative of the MOMCAT production environment. The user may manually remove any bugs. Bring the CAT to operation in an environment temperature of 20°C (±3° tolerance). Use a quiet room with the primary user(s) present. Open the transportation case and let the CAT unit autoexit. Initialize the self learning program by displaying the output bin. The next step consists in displaying the input bins. These should contain H2O (liquid state, room temperature, 99% purity) and dry energy pellets. Immediately afterwards, you must display the output bin.

If the user already has a CAT unit successfully installed, it may be possible to download the BASIC routines to the new CAT. For the first day or two, the CAT will stay in self learning mode. When the learn buffer overflows, the CAT will autoswitch to sleep() mode. This is normal. The MMU system will store the new information to permanent memory. After 72 hours, the CAT will be interacting with the operating environment. The unit may often be placed in direct sunlight. If all basic environmental requirements are satisfied, the CAT system will produce a slight hum. This is normal.

A new CAT should not exit the primary site facility. Full portability comes after extensive burn in. Some users never let the CAT unit autoexit the site. The advantages are longer unit life and fewer bugs. Contact with pirate CAT units may lead to unplanned BATCH iteration. Contact with untested CATs may lead to virus infection. If allowed to exit, some CAT units may try to port across a street. Fatal errors may happen. These errors are never recoverable. Such situations are not covered by warranties. If you decide to let your CAT out, it should have a READ_ME.TXT file with a system address and URL.

Your CAT should have a system name. The name may have to be repeated until the system can read it correctly. This lets you issue voice commands to bring the unit to an online state. Many owners give their CATs a secret password as well. You can also get the CAT's attention by booting the system. While this is effective, it is discouraged. Too much booting will abuse the system. The manufacturer is not responsible for injuries to the user.


MOUSE is a killer app. This is pre-installed. At present, there are few productivity applications for CAT. Many owners use their system for game playing. CATs play best when they are young. Older units suffer a system timing decay which leads to reduced response and flexibility. Some of the better CAT games are:

The CAT will CACHE a data code. Similar to the K9 unit game, but the object code must be smaller.

Place the unit in front of a mirror and watch it attempt to parse itself. Some units may ESCape. Reboot the system by calling its name.

The CAT attempts to parse a data string.

Move the data string through the air. The CAT unit will reach new heights of operation.

Played between two CAT units or a CAT and a K9 unit. Units take
turns as one is the data and the other attempts to parse it.

Offer fishy data code to elicit a range of audio output.


CATs will self recharge. This takes 20 hours in a 24 hour cycle. CATs are self cleaning and require little user maintenance. Do not clean the unit with alcohol or benzine-based solvents. This can lead to violent explosions.

A CAT unit should be taken once a year to a VET (Very Expensive Technician) for a system checkup. Do not attempt to open a CAT. There are no user serviceable parts inside. If a unit emits strange smells or sounds, it should be serviced immediately by a VET.

You may examine the CAT system to determine if it has a male or female scuzzy port. If the port is male, then the CAT unit may emit a non-toxic aerosol. The VET can remove this component. CATs with female ports are plagued by periodic heating problems. The VET can fix this permanently by removing an internal part.

[Florence on the sofa]


CAT systems are normally user friendly. However, in certain documented situations, a CAT may pose a danger to the user. Repeated jamming or obstruction of air ports may lead to a CAT deploying its auto defense mechanisms. Do not strike a CAT. Its CPU clock rate is over 500 mHz. Twin D-shaped five-pin connectors have an average seek rate of 3 milliseconds. Children should not poke anything into the CAT's I/O ports. CAT may BYTE.

In dry, cold weather, a surface electrostatic charge may build up. To avoid electric shock, stand on an insulated surface. Do not operate the CAT above water. This may lead to user damage. Carry a CAT firmly. Do not swing it by its "tail".

Service Life

As CATs become older, the learn program will recognize every situation. The CAT may become too smart for its own good. The Ctrl key on many CAT units is defective. CATs like to have their own toys. They often have hobbies, such as bird watching or studying tropical fish.

If you properly care for your CAT, it will give you years of loyal service. Many users get a second or even third unit. Most users don't need the extra capacity, but they enjoy the ability to run complex simulation games.

Lifetime Warranty

The CAT unit is guaranteed against catastrophic failure. Nine coupons are included.


Models Main frame, desktop and laptop models (smallest footprint in the industry)
Interface Touch sensitive interface for maximum user friendliness
Memory 16 MB with 1 MB in ROM
Upgrades available real soon now
Expected Lifetime 12 years with +/- 72 months (although 20 years are common)
Weight 3-6 kilograms without optional cables
Speed 3 milliseconds search/find with self-uprighting supertwist technology
Color Graphics Either paper white, monochrome (black/white), 64 grey shades, or maximum of 16 million colors with 40 gigabits of high resolution pixels
Sound Chip 16 octaves, digital MIDI output (MI/OU)
Power Consumption 250 grams protein daily (2 micrograms per second.)
Operating Range -30 to +45° C (-22 to 105°F)
Vibration 5-500 Hz, one octave/min, dwell at all resonance points

Q-HTML V1.11 by Craig Cockburn helped create this page

Thanks to Daniel James for passing this on - original author unknown.
The top CAT is a Russian Blue model, system name 'Mithradates'. It was the user's first CAT, and has now been replaced by 'Florence', model unknown, pictured preparing for self recharge.

[previous] [home]